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First Love

Growing up, i had a best friend. she was/is beautiful, inside and out. i always laughed at her jokes, and my friend truly cared about other people and their well being. she always did her best, and she understood the universal truth that your best is in constant flux. i remember, too, that this wonderful girlhood friend of mine, would take time for herself whenever she needed to just be in her world. she spoke her truth when necessary, and forgot and forgave. most of all she was comfortable in her own skin and comfortable with her person. although she was often perplexed as why she couldn’t be perfect (living up to her understanding and perception of perfect).

i admired my friend. i loved and respected her and hoped that one day i would be as confident and self assured. then life started to pepper my friend with challenges and she forgot who she was. she forgot that she is a unique creation amongst many other unique creations. she became distant, mis- and distrustful of everyone; most of all herself. she did not trust her intuition or good ol’ common sense. she believed the lie, even though they resonated as false.

she did not want to be “different”. she wanted to look like everyone else. have the same nose (after all her idol janet jackson at the time had a nose job. in her mind when she grew up, she was going to have one, too. because if someone as beautiful as ms. jackson could not live with her nose, then surely there was a problem); and her hair. that is a story in and of itself. it was downright unruly and absolutely refused to lie straight, it was a huge wavy curly mess in need of being tamed and broken. cue the creamy crack!

suddenly under the weight of living everyone’s truth but her own, i watched my friend self destruct and become a stranger to my eyes. i did not know her anymore. so we parted ways. i loved her throughout her “phase”, but i had to go in order to protect my sanity. you know just wait out the insanity; allowing her to work out her stuff and be supportive when she needed me. like any good sistah friend, i would be there front and center. who knows what that black hole in her life encompassed, but after many years she got it. though she always had IT. the ebb and flow of life reminded her of IT..

then she was back, just like that. the girl i admired had become a woman. a woman who is a force, full of love, and most of all perfect (flaws are part of the design). despite what the media says, her nose is beautiful and what she was born with. she kicked the creamy crack. despite some folks thinking she was crazy or wondering why she was “brand new”, with her au naturale coiffed head, tattoos, and inner peace. making her outside match her inside. she is a work in progress, and still my best friend. she was my first love, and i love her still cuz if i don’t love me, who will?

YABJAYA (You Are Beautiful Just As You Are)

Focsi Mama


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