this focsi mama wants to blog about just that today, being a parent, a mother.
when i found out i was preggers, i felt happy, sad, terrified, elated, peaceful, and excited all at once. then it was oh-sugar-honey-ice-tea i’m having a baby. me. ummmmm GOD can we talk for a moment? are you sure about this? because i don’t know, even though i had spoken this child into existence the year before, but under a much different plan. like someone reminded me, i didn’t ask for the husband to accompany the child, i simply asked for and semi-planned for mommyhood in my mind. i digress….
the realization that i was going to be responsible for this fragile, new life magnified every internal flaw i have. all of a sudden those things i was putting off working on were in the forefront and needed to be addressed, because this little person deserves the best mommy possible. of course, i felt that i would only make a child crazy and imagined teenage angst with an angry child standing before me, fists clinched, calling me a b*tch with her eyes because i’ve ruined her life with my irresponsibility. after all i don’t do schedules, i eat pancakes for dinner, have dessert first, hate doing laundry, and i’m still very much a kid @ heart.
i am an aquarius. what can i say. true to form an eternal flower child going wherever the wind of life carries me. now i would have someone else to join me on the journey, and my carefree days as a wandering gypsy are replaced with road trips to granddad’s lakehouse, late nights hanging out are spent in singing and playing, and the occasional time away is spent counting the minutes until its time to see her again.
the love that fills my heart is immeasurable.truly unconditional. some might say that love is just love, however, the bonds are so different. i can’t explain the amazement and wonderment that i actually have a baby at 30-something. i loved being pregnant and can honestly say that i wouldn’t mind doing it 3 more times (universe willing).
mommyhood is another leg of the this journey. finding the balance between parenthood and being just me (which includes a facet labeled mom) is a complicated task, so i’ve decided to join the club of unconventional, non-traditional, new age mothers. basically that means doing what my instincts tell me, asking questions when needed, and leaving the THEY’s and THEM’s (ef them! who are they anyway) out of our lives while surrounding my daughter with loving people, planning fantastic adventures and experiences, and allowing her to grow and be whoever she wants while giving her what we all strive to find: unconditional love.