Secret Crush

Dear Crush,

all i hear are Patti LaBelle’s mesmerizing words, “if only you knew, how much i do…” a confession and revelation. one i will never make. you see, dear one, in order for the infatuation to continue, you must stay in the sacred mind space of my musings. continue to inspire and taunt me from your awe struck post. because you see beloved, you are another’s and i won’t disrespect that.

plus secret crushes are better. an actual date or relationship would simply ruin the image. perhaps in another life, another reality my mind’s imagery is reality; and my subconscious recognizes what my soul has forgotten. creating a standard that others seemingly falter to live up to.

why the fascination for 18 months and counting. because you live your dream. your dream is your reality. after actualizing one dream, you began moving towards an even bigger one. an inspiration to a lost, deaf, dumb, and blind generation. an open book with you on display, faults and mistakes.

so i watch in quiet amazement and anticipation for the next step. to read the words, to see the depth, and hope to continue to be a walking muse of my own. thank you he-who-shall-not-be-named regardless of the wonder of your budding fame.

Truly Yours,

kindred & beloved

My Beautiful Lover

Lover! Sounds full of lust and intrigue. As well as sounding a lot more grown and sexy than the vanilla boyfriend, fuck buddy, friend with benefits, etc. Even though I still like caking which is just one step above boo-loving on the ranking scale that the “Ladies” & I invented to correctly describe our various stages of polyamourous adventures.

Lover lends itself to tawdry afternoon trysts. Hidden between life’s happenings somewhere after happy hour or between lunch and a late day meeting. But most importantly the clandestine late nite rendezvous.

Lover also sounds like a delicious secret. A place where you can be yourself. A safe space to undress the most intimate of personal musings while remaining illusive and mysterious. Lover says to me unpossessive and unpossessed; it exists in the slow burn where the soul touches the imagination and makes the impossible possible. The anticipation, the air, that pushes the flame along its trail towards the dynamite stick.

Lover denotes now! Not tomorrow. Filling the pages of seasoned courtiers with adventure and risks taken without regret. Woo’ed, pampered, and spoiled in a world created in a beautiful cocoon. Boundaries broken repeatedly as the need to explore pushes beyond imaginable limits.

My favorite Lover. The one who always surprises and never disappoints…. Is always Me! I go wherever, however far, lead or follow only limited by my own restraints. After all isn’t your most important love affair with yourself! Why wait for others to ignite your passion, be the flame, & light your own fire!

4-letter word

love. i was in love once many moons ago, and for the life of him, he could not understand why or how i came to love the way i do. i would like to say did, as if it can be cured, because i’m definitely a hopeless romantic and believer in love. despite his protestations i insisted that i loved him in spite of his flaw and loved his weaknesses with the same passion and excitement as i did his strengths and eccentricities. his confusion and wonderment of my love continued; which planted a seed in my mind.

the seed blossomed into an epiphany: if he was so enamored, bewildered, and just plan stumped at my love; he was incapable of returning that love. which translated into the blatant disrespect and lack of sensitivity that crept into the relationship and the selfishness that pervaded it. please don’t feel bad for me, because i learned that choosing to love is a risk, and that heart ache and sometimes heart break are all part of the package. love heals me and renews my spirit, regardless of the love or love loss; which in itself is a fallacy. you never lose love. love is you. so unless you lose yourself, love remains.

i’ve gained throughout the years the courage to continue to love in spite and despite the entanglements and snares of love. moments of love, as well as moments in love or was it lust (that is another post for a later date) has given rise to some beautiful, comical, steamy, and most certainly unforgettable moments. i am well on my way to being that sassy shocking grandmother recounting her youth as a pyt who learned along the way that love is the journey, not the destination.

no matter how love is experienced, it is all love at day’s end. i love love. being love. being in love. being loved. in my fuchsia colored view, love is a gift worth giving without expecting a thing in return. love is free to give to whomever whenever wherever. the words tattooed on my arm “love free” go with me everyday to serve not only as a reminder, but as an inspiration to continue to be love, regardless of outcome. after all we all came from love and will return to love.